well, i made it.

i'm moved into my real apartment now. i survived like 6 monthes in a rooming house. kick butt for me :)

as promised, i will now apply to do volunteer work for a non-profit orginization. maybe just making
web pages or something so i can do it from home, but i'll still do it. in time.

i will probably write a much better entry about my new apartment tomorrow or the
next day. right now i'm too pooped from all the moving stuff up and down stairs.

as a quick note, thanks to my mom of course, the people who gave me furniture, God, and
anyone else who helped me do this. even my social worker, and my friends who helped
me stay mostly sane at the rooming house so that i could live long enough to get here.

-Nick

how to be a good 'gangster' rapper.

i'm fucking pissed again. i like rap, i even like gangster rap. but it's going way to far.

i'm so fucking tired of rappers talking about murder and drugs and money and fighting with each other.

how tough they are, what they'll do to a person.

and they disrespect all their fans to. like what the fuck?

hip-hop in it's original form, had the ability to inspire, to motivate, and even to teach in some cases.

now all we got is crap singing, shitty lyrics, and the only thing good is the music.


take a step back. "gangster" rap. as in gangs.

what is a gang? now ... you can look at all the well known street gangs, and all the crime they do.

but you can also look at how those gangs ALL started.

they were about empowering people who had no power.

they were about making the powerless, powerfull.


so fucking teach that, but teach in the RIGHT way in your lyrics.

teach things about respect, like to respect those who respect you.

teach about trust. and family. cause it's well known amongst most gangsters that have

been around, that your fucking homies shit on you, rat you out, stab you in the back

but family, the good members, are blood, there for life. there to help you when you

do need it. with money, with rehab if you want to get off drugs, with trust in you.

family is long term, if you want to still have an image and sound tough, than pick

the family member closest to you, and talk about how you'll protect them no matter

what. and teach that. teach protection of family.


rap about the shitty times in gangs. the drug withdrawal, the loss of a friend dying, the

shitty and horrible things you have to see. how you grow cold after a while and weather

you want to admit it or not, going gold hurts - i know. but then rap about how things

like believing in yourself is a way out. education is the key to a better life.

rap about how money, and cars, and drugs are all material objects, and that

what really counts in this life is those closest to you, the ones you can depend on.

and i'm fucking tired of all the drug songs. yes, i know you smoke marijauna.

you told me that in your first 4 drug songs. dont make it seem like drugs are

the only way to have fun. shit, you want to know real fun? beating the system.

starting at the bottom, working your way to the top in legit ways, and outsmarting

the system. then living your life however you want because your at the top.

fishing is fun. can't exactly rap about it, it wont sell. but its just an example.

lots of people like sports. maybe rap about boxing, poets and writers put

themselves in the position of a fictional character sometimes to get out

that creative writing. put yourself in the position of a boxer, or a military

person who is defending his homeland.

quit bitching about america too. of course, america has LOTS of problems.

but if you look at the current world, America is still the best place on earth

to live. again, if you want to sound tough, rap about other countries, rap about

how if you were face to face with some of the leaders of countries that are unjust

(to the extreame) what you would do to them.

rap about how fights should be fought FAIRLY, one on one, and NO weapons.

nobody dies. no fucking gangs involved to get an advantage, just sticking up

for ones own self with there own two fists.

i could go on and on and on but i wont.



gangster rap could be much higher quality, even educational and for the

greater good even, but todays gangster rappers are either A. braindead

b. cowards. c. slaves to a materialistic and fake lifestyle or d. dumb.


but these are just my two pennies. take them or leave them.

power to you if you take them. i'd glady stand in line behind

a gangster rapper who had some sense in his or her rhymes.

Shadow Dancers Part #2. (poem)

part 1 isn't as out there. but it's good. this is an older poem of mine. i wrote this probably 5 months ago.
-----------

Shadow Dancers pt.2

I’ve been upstairs
I’ve been in the basement
No body; cares
So I thought I’d re-arrange this.

Been a rock, been a bird
been anger too, and I’ve been a curse

seen some come
seen some go
seen some stay
followed some home

slit their throats?
Well only I, only I, only I, only I,
know.

Smiled at the worthless,
Because it was grand.
Evaporated porcelain,
Back into sand.

The cook downstairs slowly roasts me
while the attic gives me belief

immune to it all
a worthy watchmen has his call

I can say this for sure and with no faith in luck
I love every minute of mine, but you’re all fucked.

my uncle recommends i get a professional career with computers.  i think i agree.

[added:]

i changed my mind. my head is too messed up currently. more therapy, different medications, and maybe
i can do the computer job when i'm more healthy. but right now, no, i couldnt do it.

"pain and I"

"pain and I"

i want to be alone, i want to be gone.
lonieness keeps my soul warm from the cold in winter
when i'm just a stranger in your eyes,  i own the town.
pain in my mind preachs of sin to the former winner

i've got a heart bigger than most
but it hurts to care
so me and my pain make a toast
we're sick of playing fair

let nobody invade, no more false hope
we'll let them, "look but not touch"
and they can't figure out how we can cope
thank God we're not one of those plastic fucks

born to die, ask me if i lie i see you thinking now, i let out a sigh some have a purpose and meaning some pave their own path and have a dream pain and misery is all i see, it seems destined for the worst angles in life yet i still try, try not to die forgive my shitty additude about it sometimes i'm just me, and just don't get it it all hurts at times .... finding peace in these rhymes expel the tears from my eyes getting high to hide from the pain insane in my brain - and i can't take it but i keep moving on through the storm knowing i wont make it my life is a song on eternal pause whish i could find the cause but wishing is for suckers so i try to end the song tomorrow is a new day but i dont know if i can last that long.

just kind of a ramble about what *I* believe (you're free to disagree)

what do i believe? well, i'll never be able to type it all out, but for starters, and in general, i believe
people should be happy, all people. i think we are far enough along in the existence of the human species
that we should have found a way by now to make it possible for the majority of people to be happy.
not rich, not powerful, not getting exactly what they want, just happy.

i believe people should be free, all people. and not just free in movement or free from being controlled
by other people, but free of themselves, as in, free thinking.

i believe we have to take much better care of the earth. yes, people are very much aware of the disasters
we are aiming for at this rate, but not enough people are doing something about it.

i believe it's good to give even strangers (when possible) a little bit of trust and respect even if they are
strangers because if all people were to do this, and other similar things, it would eventually be a world
where people care about people (PERIOD!). (even if it sounds childish, or crazy, or lame, it would still
work)

(i'm just writing this to write. kind of out of boredom. i might add to this later)

Gangster Gangster

i was watching on the news a few nights ago about this little boy named Ralph living in Chicago.

he said the "gangbangers" (in his own words) shoot guns near his home everyday.

he puts all kinds of things like a bycicle infront of his homes doors everytime he locks them because

he is afraid.


Tupac often sang about power to the people, people running the streets, f*ck the cops...

now in many places people do run the streets. but Tupac would have protected that young boy, he wouldnt

have been shooting a gun so wrecklesy near a freaking CHILD.

is this REALLY what we want?

nevermind

i'm just venting... tired.. annoyed.. i'm just venting, thats all.

god am i pissed.

i put up with shit from people every fucking day.

it's not like it's hard to hack. it's really not.

i could fuck with just about anyones life.

i'm NOT saying i want to. i actually DONT want to.

but people get so fucking high and mighty and bitchy and complainy and bossy.

maybe some one should!

fuck!

cause, i KNOW i could... doesnt matter what the fuck anyone else thinks. most people are too fucking
dumb to understand computers anyway.

and they push.. they push and push and push.... "he wont do it" "he doesnt know how" "he's joking"
"he cant!"

FUCK YOU ! I CAN! I DONT! be HAPPY i DONT!

cause it's fucking annoying seeing you be NOT happy.

i think when i'm in my new apartment (because i'll finally have peace and quiet) i'll work on writing something
very serious.

i've lived as a computer hacker (one of the bad ones, as in bad intentions)
and... living that way, well THINKING that way, i've come to a lot of very real, but very scary
realizations about the world.

[added]

i'm not going to write it. it would be too scary.

*yawn* *stretch*

good morning! :)

well, i finally got some sleep this morning.

now perhaps i can move on past the shock and enjoy the fact that next month i'll be living in a really
nice place, not this one room with a toilet down the hall.

..... yesterday.... i don't know... i felt crappy. kind of like "why do i deserve this apartment? true i try to
improve my life and all that, but i garauntee there are others more in need than me"

oh well, i'll get over it. i got a kick ass apartment with in reach now :)

apartment

i'm in shock. still. from yesterday even.


i just got over a little well, i had a crazy hour or two from stress and the news was overwelming so i started
to ramble to myself a lot and talk and behave strangly for an hour or two.

i hate when that happens, it's embarassing.

but thats not the point.

----

yesterday, i got approved for a really really nice apartment. it's very nice. i don't deserve that nice of a place.

i'm extreamly thankfull to God and others that have made it possible.

i don't know what to say, so i'm not saying more than this. it's just very very much good news, too much
to deal with right now.

i really am trying to program computers again. my head issues don't make it easy though.

i'm not giving up though, i'll teach myself how to program again.

-note to self: Don't get confused, remember to think short term.

"fiction" - a letter to my mother if she had died today. (hey mom, i care about you lots)

... you're gone now, and i'm left here on this planet alone.

i have my sister and my uncles, but trust me, i'm alone.

i've feared for this day for the past decade at the least.

... i remember when i lost James. i wasn't hurt at first, not at first. the pain didnt kick in till years later.

this time it's different. i'm miserable.

remember those webpages i used to make? the black and white ones? well, thats what i feel like in

a way. i feel i'm just black and white now, and so is everything else.

people, drugs, people and drugs, paintings, art, music! even music! it's all just black and white now.

i'd be lieing if i said i wasn't afraid also, but right now i'm just dead inside.

i don't get why i was born in this world and i would have to say bye to you before i left it. it doesn't

make sense.

worried. i held in my rage while you were here, i couldnt lose it while you were here, i respected you

too much to allow myself to cave in and let out my angers.

and now, i don't know. maybe my sister and uncle will see me on the news someday because i flipped out

and shot some people.

you were more than a role model, or family member or anything like that. you were the person in my

life i could trust even more than my own self, and i'm sure you know what that means.

be happy though, maybe i'll get on well and be that person who changes the world for the better like

i always wanted to do.

your Son,
 -Nick

hey.. =)

you know, i get it stuck in my head lots that my poetry is really good. like worth money or fame;
not that i want these things, especially for something so personal.

but most of the time, my poetry is just normal everyday poetry - however, i LOVE IT.

i'm THRILLED to write and even more so to go back later and read it.

thats all i need, is for me to like it :)

that's kind of a tip for people who might be like me.


like yesterday you were 16 and a half, today you're 29,032,001 and feel you can't have fun.
you can! do what you like! it doesn't take a $3,000 cruise to hawaii to feel good. it really doesn't :)

night

at night, the neon ghosts turn off their blinking
anger and there is calm

the ancients in the trees silenty sway in the wind,
their worries of what humans are doing to earth; calmed.

the cars dont honk at one another

there are no techno junkies texting or yelling on their
cell phones that cost 4 hundred dollars a piece to
be made by someone in china who makes 10 cents a day.

you look up, and there is a beautiful moon, even if it
was stained with our greedy foot prints, it still smiles.
you can't take something that grand and ruin it, i guess.

at night, the churchs are what they were always supposed
to be, peacfull, a place for quiet homage to our belief
structures, not a commerical instituition where people
pay for their mistakes they could haven not made in
the first place.

sometimes it's raining, sometimes it not. sometimes
at night it's cold enough to wear gloves or an extra
sweater. sometimes it's hot. but it's always worth it.

night, a walk through the miracle of a sleeping city
takes away the days agony and pain.

another poem - NO excuses, more like a self compliment; i like this and typed it as quick as my fingers would allow

[snip] [i took this one down. liked it, i did. but it had to go]

poem, new, by me, -i'm nervous as hell. (no title)

i'm happy

---------

people care, some of them

it's like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

people care. some of them.

imagine it. we might not die miserable after all.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

watch the children put grafittie chalk, smiles on the sidewalk

listen to the old men talk, "travel though my head, lets take a walk"

we've got smiley faces on us, they can't hurt us.

the evil-doers see us, and start a fuss

they're not winning anymore. just us. justice.

and the kids on the corner are gangsters, makeing a profit off lemonade.

capitalism at it's best, 25 cents a cup, those kids are getting paid

the bunnies, playing bunny tag

the sun asking the moon "what is swag?"

in your ears, life gives sound

this is existence in all it's awe.

-------------------------

i kind of stink at "positive" poetry, but i really tried with this one. i also didn't know how to end it

in a better way. i'm used to writing... well, less positive stuff, so this was difficult. :)

can you dig it?
-----------------
excuse me miss?
yeah, you missed this. what's this?
this kiss, of course, miss.

i grabbed your mind
took it for a ride
then drove off in the sunshine

we were lovely, the two of us
we were great, they loved us
and when we quit?

they copied us.

honestly?

i'm pissed off at myself. why? because i got stoned on DXM tonight. and while i'm enjoying my high, there is a woman in Pakistan who got shot and is in the hospital because... well,  i dont know why. but amnesty quoted her as saying she wants an education .... it pisses me off that i allow myself to get so out of control and angry over stupid shit, when people in other countries have it EXTREAMLY worse compared to me.
so yeah,  i'm angry at myself.

[added:]

when i can find a better place to live than this one room job, i'm going to apply to work for amnesty for free,
or some other non profit orginisation. volunteer work.

hey ... death is on my mind. i'm not going to explain.

i'll get negative at times, but i'm going to be a positive force in this life as long as i can.

updates in my life (probably boring)

i have section 8 now, that is low income housing. so i have been looking for apartments to live in. it's been stressing me out a lot, so my schizophrenic symptoms have been acting up a lot.

 it really is embarassing, because like 4 days ago i swear, i could hear my neighbor yelling at me through the wall, so i started to yell after a while. then when i could finally understand that it was probably my imagination, i appoligized (kind of).

 ----------------

 however, i'm doing really good today. i'm even happy. :)

 i will probably type more as the night goes on.

 also! i have a whole dedicated computer i am renting at http://craqhouze.org/

 ... i'm not sure what i will do with it yet. i really don't know. right now, it is just kind of a toy, because i like computers so much. but i still might through something up there tonight, maybe i will try to learn php finally (a web programming language.

Derek Williams and Police.

a week or two ago i did some writing at my other webpage (http://mourningstarweb.com) about Derek Williams dying in the back of a police car. he had died in Milwaukee, Wi - Close to where i live. i have a update to that. i dont know many of the details, but on the radio, it said "the same man who put the mob behind bars in here in Milwaukee, is investigating the Derek Williams case" ... so, it actually is being investigated. i think that is good.

FUCK!

i fucking hate this. i'm going nuts again, the motherfucking voices don't shut up, i'm paranoid as hell.. just FUCK... I WANT THIS TO STOP.

new goal

i have a new goal, but it's sort of a strange one. first of all, it doesn't have a deadline. i mean i want to get it done with in like a week, but if i dont, well, i dont care as long as it gets done. second, i might newer goals and put them before this goal if it's important enough. the goal, current one, is to write another poem. i'm thinking of one for Derek Williams, or police brutality, or a combination.

[edit: i never did the poem, from what i can remember, it was because i had a good reason not to. i'm not sure, but it might have been that i do not know enough about the situations(S!). :edit]

my life kind of sucks, but at least right now, i dont care. i'm happy.

you know, my life does really kind of suck. i have paranoid schizophrenia, i live on disability benefits which make me below the poverty line in america, i have extreame social phobias, i live in a rooming house, i'm so far in debt i dont even know who i all owe money too. but it's ok. it really is. at least *right now*, and maybe tomorrow or even an hour from now i'll be all depressed again. but right now, i feel ok. i'm alive, and as long as i stay alive, there is hope for me. mom :P don't use this post against me :) -Nick