"fiction" - a letter to my mother if she had died today. (hey mom, i care about you lots)

... you're gone now, and i'm left here on this planet alone.

i have my sister and my uncles, but trust me, i'm alone.

i've feared for this day for the past decade at the least.

... i remember when i lost James. i wasn't hurt at first, not at first. the pain didnt kick in till years later.

this time it's different. i'm miserable.

remember those webpages i used to make? the black and white ones? well, thats what i feel like in

a way. i feel i'm just black and white now, and so is everything else.

people, drugs, people and drugs, paintings, art, music! even music! it's all just black and white now.

i'd be lieing if i said i wasn't afraid also, but right now i'm just dead inside.

i don't get why i was born in this world and i would have to say bye to you before i left it. it doesn't

make sense.

worried. i held in my rage while you were here, i couldnt lose it while you were here, i respected you

too much to allow myself to cave in and let out my angers.

and now, i don't know. maybe my sister and uncle will see me on the news someday because i flipped out

and shot some people.

you were more than a role model, or family member or anything like that. you were the person in my

life i could trust even more than my own self, and i'm sure you know what that means.

be happy though, maybe i'll get on well and be that person who changes the world for the better like

i always wanted to do.

your Son,
 -Nick